The leaf on the river current

“I am with you, and will keep you
in all places where you go.”

Genesis 28:15a


I’m reading a book called “Love is a choice”; written by three PHD psychiatrists who have a clinic in Texas and decided they would write a book about “codependency”, a concept they consider has become an epidemic in modern life. Codependency simply means addiction to a certain behavior, thing, or person. As I read the book, obviously I’m uncovering the ghosts of my personal life, but I also find pretty much every single person I know could benefit from reading this book. It’s so easy to go through life suffering in silence, letting circumstances and people dictate our behavior, emotions, and -most importantly- our steps.

Sometimes life is like a river and we’re a leaf that fell down from a tree into the water, and the leaf is being swept by the currents...thinking she has a sense of direction and that she has everything figured out. Yet, reality is the leaf is living in denial, in ignorance, and in desperation. Perhaps she lives in the illusion she’s really just having fun. Life can be very deceiving and is very easy to lie to ourselves. How could we not be in desperation when our life is just being swept away in the currents of the world? How could we say we’re free from the currents when all we do is conform to norms and pre-determined concepts to satisfy other people? How can we say we’re truly enjoying the ride if every single time things don’t go our way we hide under social masks and pretend we’re ok?

Why can we admit we’re just creatures hungry for love? Who’s not hungry for love? Who? Lie to yourself if you must, but I think most people are. We’re experts in disguising our need under our masks, and we’re in the business of showing the world how “perfect” we are. We have been taught we ought to be perfect: perfect mate, perfect body, perfect bank account, perfect family, perfect job...you name it!!!
I know one person that has the fakest, most nervous laugh I know. She’s going thru a bitter divorce, her ex took one of her kids, her life is just a mess, yet she puts up a show every single day. She’s broken inside, yet she wants to hide it, fake it and convince everyone of her lie…and WHY in the world would she go thru such lengths to accomplish all this? To be accepted by others, to be loved! If only that love was real…

Have you ever wondered how long you will be able to lie to your own soul? I know I can’t do it to mine any longer. I am hungry…in fact I am desperately hungry for love! And this desperation has driven me to do some crazy things…really crazy things…involved with the wrong people, abandoned projects that could have brought great, lasting joy to my life, bought more than I could pay off at the end of the month so that I could get even a crumb of love from people...at 27, I’ve finally realized crumbs will not satisfy my soul’s hunger for love; just like I will never find diamonds in the streets of life...I’ll have to dig for them, I’m digging for love. Real, lasting love...

Diamonds are hidden for a very special reason: to teach us very special things we must dig for!

And I find myself like the leaf, floating in the river of life,
Only that for some greater reason,
Too great for some to grasp,
I’ve been “rescued” from the river currents and I’m relaxing quietly in a spot under the protection of a Big Rock. From that spot, I get to read my new book and study what my life has been and what’s ahead.
I’ve had a chance to pause and reflect
While watching the river push and abuse many other leaves that are passing by.
Some look at me, and are curious...
They wonder: “what’s up with her?”
I look back at them and smile.
I’m enjoying this moment and honestly,
I’ve grown a certain respect for the river: it can either be a blessing or a curse.
Under my Rock, a blessing it is.
I know I’ll get to a point in time
When I’ll move from my healing spot,
I’ll be ready to ride –and enjoy- the currents.
I’ll be able to “rescue” other leaves from the river’s cruelty.
And show them my special Rock, Whom will LOVE to be their Rock also.
Until then, I’m getting more than love crumbs
And will always do...
From Him that created life, diamonds, and your friend.

“I will instruct thee and teach thee
In the way which thou shalt go.”

Psalm 32:8a


Love Always…only for you, and very especially for you: a crumb...a hug...a kiss...a smile...

Janet.